Learn who is actually the most qualified person to be president.
Written by Dan Perrine
It’s that time again! Every four years on the first Tuesday of November, the U.S. comes together at the polls and casts our vote so that we can decide who we want to lead this country. (Unless the Electoral College votes differently, which has happened five times!)
I’m sure all of you have heard about the two front-runners of this election more times than is probably good for your mental health. I’m here to tell you should actually vote for this November: me!
Before we get started, let me tell all you eligible voters about myself. My name is Dan Perrine and I am twenty years old. I am still in the middle of getting a college education, but that’s ok, there have been a few presidents who have not had a college degree either. Most of them are from the 1800s, but we don’t have to talk about that. Balancing my college education and my duties as president of the United States are for me to figure out, so you don’t have to worry about that while you're casting your vote for me. Lastly, I believe it should be known that if elected, I will be treading on new ground, as I will be the first gamer president. You read that right folks, you're going to have a president who plays video games while in the Oval Office. Isn’t that nice? It’s beautiful, really.
With that out of the way, let’s get into the juicy stuff. I looked over some of the top issues concerning voters about two minutes ago as of writing this, and I believe I am the candidate who is the most well-informed on the American people's problems. With that being said, why don’t we dive into what seems to be the most pressing issue of the election: the economy.
My plan for the economy is quite genius, if I do say so myself. While it does not have the backing of any economic experts, nor do any of them know of its existence, who can blame them, I don’t even know it yet! As of now, my administration has no economic plan, and we plan to keep it that way. I believe the best way to make a thriving economy is for me to just get in there and feel things out, you know? I’m going with my gut… or maybe I’ll make a little game out of it! At the end of the day, who knows what I’ll do. I certainly have no idea.
"I’m going to spend the tax dollars I have left over after that on myself. Transparency and honesty are two words that I want my administration to be synonymous with."
I can’t tell you how excited I am to talk about this next subject of concern for the American people: my plans for foreign policy! Unlike the economy, this is something I actually care about, so let's dive right in. To start, I have two major points in my foreign policy plan. Basically, it’s a two step plan.
Step one: Invade Canada. Back in the 1800s every American believed in manifest destiny… I think it’s about time we take it to a whole ‘nother level. As president, I promise to expand the USA all the way to the North Pole! There's just one problem: Canada. Thankfully, there's also a simple solution to this: full scale invasion. We’re going to win this war with man power. Therefore, my plan is to reinstate the draft once the Canadian lines are breached. Except this time, every man, woman and child will be eligible for the draft. I don’t care how old you are, as long as you have a pulse, I say you're ready for battle. Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do to help us annex Canada.
Step two: Get rid of Florida. At this point, I think they want to be their own country anyways. Except for Disney World, which will stay. My plan is to have the property airlifted to either Iowa or Wyoming. I will probably decide which state on the flip of a coin. Don’t worry about having to change our country's flag. We won’t have to remove one star because our new 50th state will be Canada! Though, to be honest, I’m currently on the fence in regards to getting rid of New Jersey too.
You might be wondering what all my federal tax dollars are going to go towards if I’m elected. Don't worry your little head because I plan to be completely transparent about it. Unfortunately, right now, I’m predicting that the majority of your taxes are going to end up being used to fund the airlifting of Disney World, but I’d say that's something we can all agree is worth it. I’m going to spend the tax dollars I have left over after that on myself. Transparency and honesty are two words that I want my administration to be synonymous with.
I will now reveal to you my ultimate campaign promise. If elected, this will be my greatest achievement as president. It will be what historians look back upon! As president, I promise to get rid of the national debt. And I know exactly how – it’s quite simple really. As soon as I am inaugurated as your 47th president – before I even step foot into the White House – I’m going to get on Air Force One and fly out west to Las Vegas (the greatest city in the world), taking the national debt with me right to the casino to bet it all on black at the nearest roulette table. On the off chance that I lose, I will simply try again because momma didn’t raise any quitter.
Now that you’ve learned all about me, make sure to mark your calendar and vote for Dan Perrine to be your next president this Nov. 5 election. I may not be on the ballot, but that's only because they wanted to even the playing field for the other two candidates.